my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
