He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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