My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
