New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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