this beer tastes like vomit already
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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