Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
