every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
