CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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