I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
