She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
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Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
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They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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