Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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