Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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