so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
