I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
that may or may not have been my penis.
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