I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My penis needs a shock collar
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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