Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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