is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
