holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
