she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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