I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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