Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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