I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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