you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.