I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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