Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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