so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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