I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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