i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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