Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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