the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
