someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
