Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
