So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
