I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
