Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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