omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
