So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
