I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Vodka?
Forever.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
