My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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