hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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