Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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