Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
