here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
