I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We were destined to go to rehab together
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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