shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
