Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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