who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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