just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
