Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
