I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
