you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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