I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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