It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Fuck me I smell like cheese
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
