Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
