So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
