Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
they're like a gay fantastic four
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
